


To just be

by artsyleo



Series: Trans Eastenders [5]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Body Image, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gender Issues, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, One Big Happy Family, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:55:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26008369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo
Summary: In theory, the beach should be amazing. It's actually warm for once, they've found a great spot nearer the side of the beach, and Lexi's happy giggles become the soundtrack of the day. For most of the day, it is amazing, until just after lunch-"Daddy! I wanna go in the water!""Alright baby, I'll take you.""Will you come too, Callum?"He hates it.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: Trans Eastenders [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1803019
Comments: 10
Kudos: 46





	To just be

**Author's Note:**

> tw - very slight illusions to body issues, dysphoria and transphobia but like nowhere near as angsty as I usually write

The only thing that Callum can think is that this was the perfect idea.

They've all taken a weekend away from the chaos and travelled down to Brighton, him, Ben, Lexi, Lola and Jay, just as Lexi's summer holiday started. She'd been praised all year for doing well at school so it's something of a treat for her, even though it might as well be a treat for the rest of them too, after the year they've all had.

They'd driven down on the Friday, Lexi a ball of rapid excitement in the back of the car between Jay and Lola, with Callum sat in the driver's seat and Ben next to him. Callum thinks that even that's bliss, because they spend most of the journey singing along to Lexi's choice of music, and he doesn't think he's ever seen Ben let himself go so much. He's wearing this huge smile for the whole journey, and Callum thinks it might be the most beautiful Ben's ever looked.

-

They stay in a hotel by the sea, two rooms next to each other with a view of the pier. Lexi is in with him and Ben, and Jay and Lola take the room next door. Lexi's finally asleep when they get there, and Callum carries her all the way up to the room while Ben gets their bags. He tucks Lexi in to her own bed and plants a gentle little kiss on her forehead when he thinks Ben isn't looking.

(He's watching from the doorway, bags forgotten, and there are tears in his eyes that he deny vehemently if anyone saw.)

-

"Daddy! Callum! Come on, get up, it's beach time!"

Callum's awoken by that excited little voice, and it definitely feels way too early. The sun is starting to shine in through the thin curtains, and it casts a beautiful orange glow across the room, one that makes Ben look ethereal. He's tucked up against Callum's chest, head over his heartbeat, and their legs are tangled together. He's just starting to stir, and cuddles closer to Callum with a little groan. Callum lays a soft little kiss to Ben's cheek to stir him more (the wakeup call was more for him than Ben, but Lexi's not quite used to Ben not hearing her yet) and then sits up a little to smile over at Lexi. She's bouncing on her bed in excitement, a huge grin on her face.

"Mornin' Lex," he says. "You wanna go and wake your mum up?"

"Oh yeah! Where's the key?" she asks. Callum grabs the spare key to Lola and Jay's room off the side table and hands it to Lexi.

"Just go straight to their room next door, and don't be too loud in the corridor, yeah?" he says, and Lexi nods obediently before running out the door, shutting it quietly behind her.

It's still weird, sometimes, parenting Lexi like that. It took him a long time to feel like he was allowed to, because she's not his daughter, at the end of the day. Ben's reassured him on many occasions that it's _okay_ , and that he's as much Lexi's dad as Jay is now (and doesn't _that_ feel amazing). He finds himself doing it increasingly more often now, and it's a weird, amazing feeling.

"Ugh, what time is it?" Ben's groggy, tired voice comes from next to him as he rolls over a little to look at Callum. He looks over at the clock and winces.

 _Seven thirty,_ he signs, and Ben groans again. It startles a laugh out of Callum, because this is just another one of the things he's come to know about Ben.

 _For Lexi_ , he replies, and Ben rolls his eyes, but there's a hint of a smile on his face, and it makes Callum grin. Before he can stop himself he presses a kiss of Ben's lips, soft against his own. When he pulls away there's a moment where they're just looking into each other's eyes in the morning light, and if the time in the car yesterday wasn't bliss then this certainly is.

"We should get up," Ben says, and he's signing along with some of his words (it makes a flash of pride go through Callum, because he's _trying_ ). Callum nods, and he thinks he can feel the way his cheeks heat up in a blush but for once he doesn't hide it. He places one last kiss on Ben's forehead, then rolls out from under the covers. He stretches out his back until it pops in a satisfying way, then sighs. He hands the I plant's attachment to him, which Ben takes with a grateful little smile, then yawns a little while Ben connects it to the implant site. He can't help but watch when Ben connects it, because it's one of those little domestic things he takes pleasure in. The little look on Ben's face when he can hear things better again, and the way invisible tension drains from his body - it's the best part of Callum's day.

"All good?" Callum says, and Ben winces a little while he fiddles with it, because he's still kind of getting the hang of the adjustments. He runs a fist against his chest in a 'sorry' sign and waits until Ben's stopped adjusting it.

"Good now," Ben says with a little smile. "Where's Lex?"

"Sent her in to Jay and Lola," Callum replies, and Ben lets out this mischievous little laugh. "Thought you'd want a little more time to wake up."

For a moment a little panic courses through him the way it often does when he gives Lexi instructions. He thinks there'll probably always be that bit of doubt there, about his skills as a dad, and he knows exactly where it all comes from.

"You're great with her, you know?" Ben says, and sometimes Callum could swear Ben can read his mind. It puts him at ease straight away.

"Thank you," he responds after a little while, and Ben smiles back at him.

"Right, we'd better get ready, don't wanna keep princess waiting."

-

In theory, the beach should be amazing. It's actually warm for once, they've found a great spot nearer the side of the beach, and Lexi's happy giggles become the soundtrack of the day. For most of the day, it is amazing, until just after lunch-

"Daddy! I wanna go in the water!"

"Alright baby, I'll take you."

"Will you come too, Callum?"

He _hates_ it. 

It's not that he doesn't want to, at all. He'd want nothing more than to spend the next hour in the freezing water if it made Lexi happy. But things never just _are_ for him, things like this aren't a snap decision, because he's trans, and he's wearing a binder under his white t-shirt, and, stupidly, it's the only one he's got with him. That means he can either go in the water with it now, and not be able to bind for the rest of the weekend, or miss out on the sea and disappoint Lexi. 

Ben must sense his hesitation, because he wraps his arms around Callum's shoulders and pulls him in for a hug. At first, he thinks it's just that, but nothing's ever face value with Ben. 

"I've got your spare binder in my bag, babe, you left it at mine," Ben whispers in his ear, and Callum falls in love with him all over again. Trust Ben to remember one of Callum's most important belongings, but not the suncream. 

Ben pulls away, and there's an honest look on his face. 

"You don't have to come in if you're feeling bad. She won't mind," he says, and it's so considerate Callum just can't say no. 

"Of course I'll come in, Lex. Get your costume on then!" he says, and the way Ben's face lights up is worth everything to him. 

Lexi's bursting with excitement now, while Lola helps her change. Callum quickly slips his trunks on (blue flowered ones, that Ben had picked out for him. Frankly, Callum thinks they look ridiculous, but they make Ben smile) under a towel, throwing his shorts into his bag. Then comes the next decision- t-shirt on or off? 

He can go in with his binder because he has his spare, that's no problem. No one will question if he keeps his shirt on, and he's got plenty of those. People might look, if he's in just his binder, but then again it's the nude one he's wearing, so you couldn't really tell from a distance-

Fuck it. 

It's a spur of the moment burst of confidence, and he takes his shirt off too, throwing it along with his shorts. 

Lola wolf-whistles at him, and it shocks him out of the panic that was just about to set in. It startles a laugh out of him too, which must catch Ben's attention. 

Shock mixed with pride crosses his face, and he smiles at Callum like he hung the stars. 

It makes him squirm a little, and he can feel the blush as it climbs his cheeks. He has this urge to cross his arms over his chest but he stops himself because _he can do this_.

Ben takes his own shirt off and walks over to him, wrapping his arms around Callum's waist.

"Hands off Lo, he's mine," he says smugly, and Callum laughs, because somehow the two of them know exactly what to do to make him feel comfortable. Ben presses a kiss l his lips, and doesn't pull away for a while, which is obviously accompanied by a loud 'ewwww!' from Lexi. When Ben pulls away, he smiles for a minute at Callum, then whispers in his ear-

"I'm so proud of you," he says, and it makes Callum's heart melt. 

"Daddy!" Lexi shouts, voice hanging off the last syllable. "Come on, I wanna go in the sea!" 

"Alright, alright baby, we're coming. Off you go," Ben says, and she's off like a shot, weaving in and out of people towards the edge of the water. Ben grabs Callum's hand, and pulls him to follow Lexi with a grin on his face.

-

The water- it's fucking _freezing_. Callum's not exactly sure what he was expecting but as soon as he dips his toes in he regrets ever saying yes to this. Ben and Lexi both laugh at him for it, but it's all good natured. They spend about fifteen minutes splashing about in the little waves before Lexi is playing her own game with the sea spray and wet sand, which leaves him and Ben just sat at the edge of the water, waves lapping over their feet. It's amazing, truly. There's a momentary lapse - Callum catches a middle-aged woman staring at his chest with distaste, standing just a couple of metres away where she can probably see the edges of his binder. He's about to curl into himself when Ben sqeezes his hand and turns to glare at the woman. 

"Mind your own business, you old crone," he says, and it certainly shocks the woman. She turns away, grabbing a small child's hand and marching back up the beach. Ben turns back to him with a concerned smile, but Lexi's barrelling over to them and there isn't time for Callum to feel self-conscious any more. A few minutes later, it's forgotten. 

-

When they're done in the sea, they take Lexi back to Jay and Lola, and head up to the toilet block. Ben helps him wash the residue off his binder in the little sand shower outside, and he's constantly glaring if people look too long at them. 

(It's equal parts funny and devastatingly hot.) 

Ben waits for him while he changes out of his wet binder and into his spare (think putting one on is hard? try taking off a wet one) which makes him smile. It's the obnoxious rainbow one Ben had bought him for his birthday, the one he'd worn to pride earlier that year under his shirt, because it made him feel more proud than anything, even if no one else could see it. He tugs it over his head and takes a few deep breaths while he adjusts it, makes sure it's fitting right. When he's satisfied, he pulls a t-shirt over his head and heads out to where Ben's got a towel wrapped around his shoulders, hair tousled and somewhat dry. 

"All good?" Ben asks, and there's such genuine concern in his tone that it makes his heart race. 

"Yeah, yeah," he replies, and lets Ben lead him back to their little camp. 

-

Something happens when they reach the camp again. Maybe it's the fact that Lexi's now wearing a little dress with rainbows printed all over it which makes him smile, or maybe it's the fact that the family in front of them has gone, leaving them even more secluded. That same confidence from earlier comes back, and he takes his shirt off again, and thinks _if all the other men on the beach can, then why can't I?_

Lola whistles again, and it's accompanied this time by a little applause from Ben, who makes him do a twirl. As he turns back around, Lexi gasps at him. 

"Daddy Cal, you're wearing a rainbow like me!" 

It's so many things, all at once - it's _'Daddy Cal_ ', it's Lexi's innocent bewilderment at his binder, it's the fact that she doesn't even blink at the fact he doesn't look like other men with their shirt off. 

(They've told Lexi about the fact that Callum's trans. Ben had sat her down with Callum's permission and explained what it meant, and how _sometimes Callum has a bad day and he needs reminding how cool he is,_ or how _you should never push hard on Callum's chest, you might hurt him_. She'd, of course, met it all with that young child enthusiasm and innocence, and Ben thinks that maybe he's done at least something right in raising her because of how she reacts better than most adults to the information.) 

They all make Callum's heart melt at once, and he's opening his arms for Lexi to come and give him a hug. He takes a quick, concerned glance at Ben's face, because they've not really talked about _Daddy_ _Callum_ before, and that's the first time she's said it. The look on Ben's face is beautiful though, brimming with pride and love, so he just relaxes into the moment. 

-

He hardly even thinks about his binder until a new family walk close to them. A teenager looks, turns away, then looks back at him, and an excited smile builds on their face. Callum recognises that look so so well, that recognition of _there are people like me here._

The teenager catches his eye and smiles wide at him, before turning back to their family, but with a skip in their step. 

And, yeah, maybe it's that that makes Callum's day truly perfect. 

Either way, it's all bliss. 

**Author's Note:**

> writing this gave me a gender crisis lmao  
> anywho!! if you don't follow me on tumblr (@artsy-highway) you may not know/may have noticed that I went on a little publishing break for a couple weeks. with the pandemic and everything, my mental health was taking a little bit of a hit so I thought I'd take a little break to give myself some time. and now I'm back with a vengeance! this is completely self indulgent and the first time I've written trans callum binding so like,,, I hope you liked it! please leave a comment/kudos if you can, it means the world <3  
> leo x


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